I'm somewhere I never wanted to be. Again.
A hopeless romantic, I sometimes find myself lost in love. Such is the case with a southern belle.
We met on a dating app and hit it off immediately. We dated for a short time while she lived in Florida, but she moved back to North Carolina with her parents when her mother had a job opportunity she couldn't pass up. Besides, she never wanted to live in Florida. Hell, I don't, and I've lived here most of my life.
We tried to make it work long-distance, but we couldn't handle the stress and I wasn't ready to commit to traveling often to make it work. We broke up shortly after she moved back.
I started dating someone. She started going on dates. Went back to an old fuck-buddy I hate a few times. I stayed in a bad relationship I didn't want to be in. She kept dating guys she didn't like. We remained friends the whole time and I tried to keep things platonic.
She cared less about keeping things platonic.
We keep talking. I can tell she still likes me. Or started liking me again. Even worse, I can feel myself liking her. Or maybe I never stopped. Either way, I miss her.
I'm still in a relationship. She's still dating around.
We keep talking. I don't really want her dating other guys. She doesn't want me dating who I'm dating. We start talking about being together again.
We plan the end of my relationship and when she will come visit me. We're really going to do this.
She visits. As I see her in a crowd of people shuffling out of an airport terminal, I'm nearly overcome with emotion. She's here, and I can't believe it. And I can't believe how much I've longed for her. My heart feels full.
We plan more trips. Me up there. Her down here. The idea was to see how she likes it here so we can look into moving in with each other. She visits for a month straight.
She doesn't like it in Florida.
I go up to North Carolina to visit her.
I like it in North Carolina. I don't like it in Florida. I begin truly thinking of changing my life and leaving my career so I have a chance at being with this woman I love.
Things start to change. I visit. She seems less affectionate. Less passionate. Less sexual. Less.
She doesn't know what she wants. That includes a relationship. Me. She doesn't know if she loves me. If we mean the same thing when we say those three words.
I stay for a week.
When I get home, I say maybe we should take a break. I don't want to, but I think maybe it'll be good for her. She agrees.
A few hours pass. She doesn't want to take a break. She does love me. She knows what she wants and that she wants to be with me.
Her stepfather gets a job opportunity. Her parents would be moving by the end of January. She doesn't want to move and wants to stay. We start thinking about me moving up there by January. I'm ready.
I visit. Or rather, I'm visiting. I'm in her room, in her bed, while she is in her parents' bed with the dog.
Things started to change again, shortly after I got here. Back to not knowing. Back to uncertainty. Less affection. Less passion. Less sexuality. Less.
I ask her, "When was the last time you felt like kissing me?"
She thinks. "The other day, when we kissed."
"That was Monday or Tuesday."
This is our relationship. Me counting the days between displays of affection. We don't tell each other we love each other. I still do, but she doesn't say it so I don't say it either.
I don't leave for 5 more days, but it feels like she left a while ago.
I told her I'm not happy. Without doing any of the things that people in relationships do, why do we consider ourselves to be in one?
I feel like our relationship is a lie. I'm tired of being there for her whenever she needs it. I'm tired of being there for her in the middle of the night when she needs someone to be next to. To slide closer to. I'm tired of being there for her when she isn't there for me.
So I'm sleeping in her room.
This time, I feel both. I feel love for her, but I also feel lost. I want to be with her, but I want her to want me.
We're going to go look at apartments tomorrow. As friends, I guess.
I hope she can make up her mind. I'm tired.
